The Physical Grief Lives in the Body

Four years.

That’s how long it’s been since our life was turned upside down… and truthfully hasn’t been the same.  We had to find our new normal.  Four years ago, my mother-in-law suddenly died.

The day before, my children were at her house, dressed up in costumes, performing a show for her like they always did. My husband was walking her around the house after what was supposed to be a routine knee surgery.

And then 24 hours laster we got a call to go to the hospital.  We were there in about 8 minutes, and when we arrived, she was gone.  When we arrived, she was gone.

Just like that.

And there is a part of grief that no one warned me about: the physical impact.

The Part of Grief We Don’t Prepare For

We expect sadness. We expect tears.

We expect anniversaries & birthdays to sting. We expect holidays to feel impossible… especially the first ones. 

What no one prepared me for was what grief does to the nervous system.

The chest tightens when the phone rings.

The panic if you can’t reach your husband.The low-level hum of anxiety that never quite turns off.

The exhaustion.

The brain fog.

The inflammation.

The sleep disruption.

There is a story of grief that lives in the body.

And it is very real.

In The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk writes:

“The body keeps the score. If the memory of trauma is encoded in the viscera, in heartbreaking and gut-wrenching sensations… then talking about it is not enough.”

And another line that hit me deeply:

“Being traumatized means continuing to organize your life as if the trauma were still going on.”

That was it… it finally made sense to me.  Even when the moment had passed, my body was still living in it.  And frankly, it lived it over and over.  

What Grief Actually Does to the Body

When we experience sudden loss, the brain registers it as a threat.

The amygdala, which is our body’s alarm system, it fires.

Cortisol and adrenaline increase.

The nervous system shifts into fight-or-flight.

And if the trauma is sudden or shocking, that state can linger. (And for me, did it every linger). 

Physiologically, this can look like:

• elevated cortisol

• sleep disruption

• increased heart rate variability instability

• blood sugar swings

• digestive changes

• immune suppression

• increased inflammation

• heightened anxiety

Your body is trying to protect you from something that already happened.  You aren’t weak.  This is our body doing it’s job exactly how it was designed.  

What Grief Looked Like for Us

Grief for us wasn’t just losing a person.

It was losing the family we once knew.

It was losing the most important person in our children’s lives besides us.

It was losing the woman who prayed for us so fiercely.

I cannot even describe how deeply I grieve the simple text:

“I was praying for you this morning.”

Or the ability to text her and say,“Can you please pray for ____?”

I lost my spiritual warrior.

Everything changed: we had to rethink our future.  We had to rethink our support system, traditions, holidays… everything.  We had to change all the emergency contacts for our kids.  We did all of this while also trying to process traumatic loss.  It was a lot. And as I look back on it, I wish I would have given myself more grace.  I really thought I had to get through it fast.  

The Timeline No One Talks About

People think grief is:

Six months.

Maybe a year.

Nope.

Four years later, I still feel it sometimes.

And since I am being very honest today, it took me three and a half years to feel normal again.  I will never be the same as I was before she died.  My husband and I always say there is a “Pre-mom died life” and an “after mom died life”. 

But it took a solid three and a half years for my body to settle.

Three and a half years for the nervous system to stop bracing.

It’s different for everyone, but I share that because if you’re in year one or year two thinking, “Why am I not better yet?”  I want to remind you there there is no timeline.  Your are healing and it takes time and grace- give it to yourself.  

The Balloon Explanation That Helped Me Most

After she died, my husband and I went to counseling together.

Our counselor described grief like a balloon.

Every stressor.Every trigger.Every memory.

Every “first holiday without her.”

Each one fills the balloon like air.  

Eventually, it pops.

At first, it pops constantly.

Day after day.

Then over time, the pops get less frequent.

But you never know when something small will fill it again and boom.

That explanation gave me permission.

Grief isn’t linear.

It’s pressure and release.

The Anxiety I Couldn’t “Fix”

I am someone who likes to fix things.

I like to train.

To eat better.

To pray harder.

To go to counseling.To solve.

But this was one thing I couldn’t fix.

I tried every type of counseling, and honestly, it helped tremendously with other trauma in my life.

But I could not shake:

• The chest tightened when the phone rang

• The panic if I couldn’t reach my husband

• The constant sense that something bad was about to happen again

• The constant worry when my kids were not in plain sight.  

I stopped drinking alcohol, but it didn’t fix that type of anxiety.  

Eventually, I went on a very small dose of anxiety medication (which I have always been against because I thought I could fix it all myself)

And it was night and day.

My doctor described it like this:

“You have this computer running in your mind that’s filled with worry. We need to turn that constant background noise off.”

She was right.

And I share this because sometimes strength looks like lifting weights.

And sometimes strength looks like saying, “I might need help for a little while.”

Medication didn’t erase my grief, but it calmed the nervous system enough for me to finally feel better after 3.5 years.  

Why I Tell My Clients: Your Body Keeps Score

I tell my clients this all the time.

If you haven’t read The Body Keeps the Score, read it.

Because trauma isn’t just emotional.

It is stored in:

• muscle tension

• breathing patterns

• digestion

• hormone shifts

• nervous system regulation

You cannot out-discipline trauma.

You cannot white-knuckle your way through a dysregulated nervous system.

You have to support it.

What Helped Me Physically

Not perfectly. Not overnight. But slowly.

• Walking daily

• Lifting weights (but not punishing myself with intensity)

• Eating regularly, especially protein

• Sunlight

• Therapy

• Medication

• Prayer

• Community

• Time

 And mostly time.

Muscle helped regulate my blood sugar and cortisol… and I cannot imagine how terrible I would have felt if I didn’t have it.  Walking helped calm my nervous system, and making sure I did it outside gave me the vitamin D I needed.  Learning how to breathe helped more than I wanted it to, but none of it was a quick fix (nothing ever is.) Healing was slow and layered.

If You’re Carrying Grief Right Now

If your body feels off…

If you’ve gained weight.If you’re inflamed.If you’re exhausted.If your anxiety is high.If your workouts feel harder.

I want you to remember this: grief changes the body.

Trauma shifts the nervous system.

And healing takes longer than the world tells you it should.

Give yourself grace.

Support your body through this time. 

A Different Kind of “GO”

I always tell myself and my clients: “Will your body be ready when God says it’s time to go?”

But this was not the kind of “GO” I expected. I thought if God ever called on me, it would be to use my visible strength — maybe to lift a family member in need or carry something physical. Instead, He called me to something much quieter.

He called me to hold my family together while we were grieving.To support my husband & children. To meet them and love them in their own grief. To stay present when everything felt unsteady.

And for that kind of “go,” I was deeply grateful I had good habits in place.

I cannot imagine how much harder this would have felt if I hadn’t already been:

• lifting

• walking

• Fueling my body well 

• taking care of my body

Not because muscle fixes grief but because a regulated, nourished body has more capacity.

You never know when life will say, “This is what I’m calling you to do.”

And when it does, your physical health becomes more than aesthetics… it becomes your foundation. 

Frequently Asked Questions About Grief and the Body

Can grief really cause physical symptoms?

Yes. Grief activates the body’s stress response system. When we experience sudden loss, the brain interprets it as threat. This can elevate cortisol and adrenaline, disrupt sleep, impact digestion, increase inflammation, and create ongoing anxiety. Grief is not just emotional,  it is physiological.

Why does anxiety increase after a sudden loss?

Sudden loss can dysregulate the nervous system. The brain’s alarm center (the amygdala) becomes more reactive, which can create hypervigilance like chest tightening when the phone rings or panic when you can’t reach someone you love. Your body is trying to prevent future danger, even when there isn’t one.

How long does it take for the body to recover from grief?

There is no universal timeline. Some people feel physically regulated within months. For others, it can take years. Nervous system healing is layered and nonlinear. 

Can grief cause weight gain or inflammation?

Yes. Elevated cortisol, sleep disruption, and blood sugar instability during prolonged stress can contribute to weight changes and increased inflammation. This means your body is responding to stress.

Should I exercise while grieving?

Movement can help regulate the nervous system, but intensity should match the season. Walking, strength training without punishment, and gentle breathing practices can support healing. Overtraining during acute grief can sometimes increase stress rather than reduce it.

Is it normal to need medication during grief?

Yes. For some people, medication can help calm a dysregulated nervous system and reduce persistent anxiety symptoms. Taking medication for a season does not mean you are weak or broken or that you need it forever. It means you are supporting your body appropriately during this season of life

What actually helps the body during grief?

Consistency and support matter more than perfection. Helpful strategies often include:

• Daily movement (especially walking outdoors)

• Strength training to support blood sugar and stress regulation

• Regular meals with adequate protein

• Sunlight exposure

• Therapy or counseling

• Community

• Prayer or spiritual practices

• Time

Healing is rarely immediate. It is layered.

Why does trauma feel like it’s “stuck” in the body?

Trauma can alter breathing patterns, muscle tension, and nervous system regulation. The body may continue responding as if the threat is ongoing. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains, trauma is stored in physiological patterns and not just memory. Supporting the body is often just as important as processing the story.